If
you wish to return to the 'Ask Dr. Dunc.' mainpage, please click
here
If
you wish to visit the 'Ask Dr. Dunc.' question archives, please
click here
Question 54: My son is 16 years of age he has
mild tourettes....He is also ADHD and has a learning disability. He
is attendng a private school now that caters to his learning disability
and gives him all the help he needs. He has developed this attitude
lately that he feels he does no have to do any work at school. As
a result his marks are sliding terribly. His every answer out of his
mouth is I DON'T CARE OR GIVE A F ---!!!! hE WON't complete his assignments
or do any amount of work. We are tearing our hair out trying to tell
him that he needs to finish high school and get his diploma. But he
thinks he can be a bus driver or anything without working towards
anything. I wonder if I keep at him about this or just let him fail
and suffer the consequences? What do you think is the best route?
S.M., AB, Canada.
Good afternoon
S.:
As I'm sure you know, teens (particularly ones with neurology and without
a whole lot in their lives they can say they actually have control over)
are masters of power struggles. I think the more you push him the more
he will resist what you are saying whether he agrees with the message
or not -- I can recall many times where I had figured out that I should
do something, and then mere seconds before starting my mother would
instruct me to do that very thing. I can recall how my back immediately
went up, how I felt "robbed" of the good feeling I would have
had simply doing something without being told, and how I would then
find myself resisting doing what only moments before I had been prepared
to start.
Having said that, while it is important to allow your son to make his
own choices (and either enjoy or suffer the real-world consequences
OF those choices) you obviously don't want to watch him make mistakes
that could influence the rest of his life.
I would suggest a "back-door" approach: by all means don't
tell him what he has to do, but influence his thinking and "shape"
his choices in subtle ways. Have conversations (not necessarily with
him, but in earshot) about all the great fun college/university life
was. Have a 'friend' of yours (in cahoots with you) over for dinner
who did NOT finish high school and in the midst of conversation allow
the topic of career choice (or lack of) to innocently surface. "Accidently"
leave the internet running on an attractive-looking college website
(on a page listing the various careers that can be yours if you attend
their school) for him to find. Be creative. Be devious! And above all
else, don't let it look like you are TRYING to influence him in any
way. If he starts to approach you with questions/thoughts, answer them
neutrally without a hint of "I told you so". And if he eventually
makes the right choice, don't let victory cross your face -- congratulate
him on making a sensible choice "all by himself" and be smug
when alone........... :)
Finally, remember that these days people go back to school many times
in life, and start new careers well into adulthood. Even if he makes
some unwise choices now, it is never too late -- just one of the wonders
that is the 21st Century.
