As a child, I remember
thinking that I was the only person in the World who was like this,
the only one with powers like this. I felt I had the power to change
things, and if I did certain things, like touching something four times,
or thinking hard and willing something, it would happen. I suppose that
was a positive way at looking at my OCD, everyone just figured that
some people, especially children, had little ticks and did strange things!
We thought this was caused by stress, but mainly thought it was nervous
habits. That was that, and we went to the Doctor, and he said "she
will grow out of it", and said it was quite normal. I didn't "grow
out of it." It just got worse.
Harrumph! Later on in life,
I discover that it is a condition caused by the brain not acting as
it should, and that it is quite abnormal. I also find out that there
are many many people with it. Of that I am actually pleased, and find
out that my brother-in-law, who is the smartest guy I know, and high
up in his job, also has to throw his head back many times a day to "feel"
right. I was amazed! I know I did that as a child, and made the excuse
that I had to throw back the pigtails which were in my face, but then
later on when the pigtails were cut off, and I still did it, I had no
excuse. My OCD has progressed in life to a fine art almost. At times
in the past when I had tremendous stress, I found that the OCD interfered
with my life so much, that I could not even get out of the house, or
to work, for doing things over and over, or touching, or feeling weird.
The feelings were so unsurmountable that I couldn't help it, and hoped
to God that no-one saw me going back to my house, and touching the doorknob
over and over. I really don't know how I ever disguised it. I missed
my bus to work so many times, I was getting into trouble!
Nowadays, it is more a series
of numbers, every number means a different thing. I have 1 for "Me".
2 for "our" happiness, 3 feels a little dangerous, and four
is also a very positive number, five means I am a Mother, six means
the devil, or smoking, and seven is lucky for me, and eight reminds
me of my husbands ex. Now, many people would laugh at such idiosyncracies,
I know it gets on my nerves at times, but I also know that each number
is significant because of certain things which have happened in my life.
I also have the fine art of taking a number, and adding together. say
the 16th of the month, and this makes a seven, six plus one, and so
sixteen is a lucky number, and so forth and so on. Now, you guys are
very lucky, as you are hearing this before anyone else in my life. I
think I can be brave because this is so anonymous, and I do not feel
silly any more. I do know though how it can be a very large embarrassment
to people, especially when in High School or College, especially when
you want to be normal, and do everything fast, and not be held back
by any of this stuff. I understand how it feels, and actually how "stupid"
it makes you feel.
I would expect all of you guys
reading this to visit the doctor at the first signs of something like
this happening. If it has been happening and you have been hiding it,
express it to your parents, and for heavens sake, get some help, you
do not have to go a lifetime with this. It does take quite a lot of
time from you, with its nattering away at all times. In this day and
age though there is lots of help out there.
